Blog #3 (where writer exhorts herself for having written 3 kid-free blogs and then goes on, shamelessly, to use their lives for fodder)

Due to the giant public outcry (Mom), I sit down at the computer during naptime once again...

After reflecting back on my first two blogs, I realize I have managed to get a lot of words down with very few references to my kiddos. I find this amazing. Even my screen name alludes to the fact that I thought these blogs would be all about them. I assumed they would include the topics of poop, messes, embarassing public statements and funny things that happen while driving a minivan (of which there are many.) However, it has become clear to me that I do have other things to write about. Or, at least, sometimes I do. Today, however is not one of those days. So, I will resort to the always entertaining anecdotes about poop, messes, embarassing public statements and funny things that happen while driving a minivan (but not necessarily in that order.) Also, as a disclaimer, some of these topics occur within the same story. For instance, there are some funny bits about embarassing public statements regarding the subject of poop. Read on, dear friends, read on...

Top Ten (originally ten, now due to looming school pick-up time, just four) things my kids have done to make me laugh hysterically

1.) Character: my oldest son (who, at the time, is 3) and a really old lady who is changing into her bathing suit across the bench from him
Setting: a community center locker room

(Really old lady bends down to pull on her bathing suit, exposing her naked back to my son.)
My 3 year old son: (said with gusto, loudly) "Wow, that's a really big hiney!" (pause, for effect) "And it looks like there's a poop coming out!"

2.) Character: my two year old daughter (who is quite a character!!) and was potty training at the time
Setting: our living room, where my husband and I are trying to have a conversation

Daughter: "I'm gonna' take my pants off and pee on the rug!"

(Husband and I look at each other trying not to laugh hysterically and look very sternly at daughter in way the parenting books recommend)

Daughter: "Just kidding!"
(She exits stage left really fast among fits of laughter coming from parental figures on couch.)

3.) Character: my then-3 year old son and me (Mommy)
Setting: our living room rug, where he is playing blocks quietly

Son: "Mommy, will you come play blocks with me?"
Mommy: (politely)"No, not right now, Mommy's trying to clean the kitchen."
Son: (politely) "Okay, Mommy, I'll punch you in the face then."
(Mommy enters stage right with stern parenting-book face after taking two minutes to calm down shoulder-heaving laughter)

4.)Characters: 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter
Setting : my bedroom floor, dangerously close to 7 pm (which is mommy time)

Prologue: After much, and I do stress the word much, preparation, son is finally ready to perform the puppet show he has been setting up for what seems like hours which is good because mommy is ready to put both son and daughter in bed

(Son holds up some non-specific stuffed toy who is giving a Shakespeare-style monolog)

Daughter: “Is dat a hermit cab?”

(Son ignores daughter and continues monolog)

Daughter: (louder) “Is dat a hermit cab?"

(Son continues on while giving daughter nasty look.)

Daughter: (very loudly) “Davin, is dat a hermit cab?”

Son: (Frustratingly) “No, Claire, be quiet.”

Daughter (in a whisper to mommy) “I sink it is…”

(No answer from Gavin)

Daughter: (loudly, in voice used for proving point) “Gavin, I sink iss a hermit cab.”